Richmond, VA.
Early Saturday morning, a cry of despair was raised in multiple literary households – various literary heroes disappeared last night without a trace.
Lady Elizabeth Darcy, sobbing in her sister Jane Bingley’s arms, said she first noticed her husband’s disappearence when she got up in the night to reread a passage of Milton that had troubled her. “The implications of free will and Providential sovereignty in Paradise Lost, I confess, rather confused me and I would have read it again to satisfy my mental ruminations, but alas! My dear husband was nowhere to be found!”
Cathy Earnshaw-Linton, garbed in graveclothes and fluttering like an apparition, was rather vindictive. “Heathcliff is gone and cursed be his abductor! He who would disturb the sleep of the dead ought to be cast into Hades and placed in one of its lowest circles!”
Joining the ranks of desperate women was Jane Rochester, though she was much more quiet than her companions. With a firm “Down Pilot!” to the dog at her ankles, she told us that her lord had gone to fetch a glass of water in the night, and had never returned. “He’s not like that,” she murmured.
The whereabouts of these gentlemen is yet unknown, but suspect is a certain sophomore English major (name withheld) who was posting vicious status messages about Byronic heroes on her instant messaging program. She is known to have recently been going through Norton Anthology withdrawal and was getting desperate and hard to control.
Story to be updated as more information becomes available.
